Monday, June 4, 2012

Unmarried Ladies

To Unmarried Ladies.
            The following items of advice to ladies remaining in a state of single blessedness are extracted from the manuscript of an old dowager.

            If you have blue eyes, languish.
            If black eyes, affect spirit.
            If you have pretty feet, wear short petticoats.
            If you are the least doubtful as to that point, wear them long
            If you have good teeth, don’t forget to laugh now and then.
            If you have bad ones, you must only simper.
            While you are young sit with your face to the light.
            When you are a little advanced, sit with your back to the window.
            If you have a bad voice, always speak in a low tone.
            If it is acknowledged that you have a fine voice, never speak in a high tone.
            If you dance well, dance seldom.
            If you dance ill, never dance at all.
            If you sing well, make no puerile excuses.
If you sing indifferently, hesitate not a moment when you are asked, for few persons are competent judges of singing, but every one is sensible of the desire to please.
If in conversation you think a person wrong, rather hint a difference of opinion than offer a contradiction.
It is always in your power to make a friend by smiles; what folly to make enemies by frowns.
When you are forced to blame, do it with reluctance.
If you are envious of another woman, never show it but by allowing her every good quality and perfection except these which she really possesses.
If you wish to let the world know you are in love with a particular man, treat him with formality, and every one else with ease and freedom.
If you are disposed to be pettish or insolent, it is better to exercise your ill humor on your dog, or your cat, or your servant, than on your friend.
The Daily Press [Cincinnati, OH] October 7, 1861

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